HOGSBACK’S LATEST ADMINISTRATIVE MARVEL: MONETIZING THE CONSTITUTION
In a masterclass of free-market innovation, Hogsback Community Policing Forum (CPF) Chairperson Mark Andersen has successfully resolved the age-old dilemma of public service versus private profit by simply combining them into a single, self-regulating monopoly.
The “Schrödinger’s Guard” Doctrine
Following the exit of security firm Smhart, CPF leadership pulled off a breathtaking administrative maneuver: reactivating the Hogsback Security Association (HSA) to run “HogWatch” – a subscription-based patrol charging residents between R400 and R1,000 monthly.
To navigate the pesky inconvenience of constitutional oversight, leadership pioneered the Schrödinger’s Guard precedent:
When Collecting Debit Orders – HogWatch is an independent, hyper-efficient private entity that owes no accountability to the CPF. Per the Chair to this blog: “Our paperwork is enough to satisfy the bank so that is good enough for us.”
When Gathering Intel – HogWatch is magically intertwined with statutory CPF leadership, granting its private operators seamless access to official SAPS case intelligence. Per their own memo, the guard “Will carry a taser and knobkierrie.”
When Liability Arises – Clause 1.5 activates an impenetrable shield, forcing paying subscribers to indemnify the committee from all legal risk while that guard roams public roads without a signed SAPS MoU.
Constitutional Rules Are for the Unsubscribed
Clauses 6.4.3 and 6.4.4 of the CPF Constitution say Exco must approve all safety structures and enforce strict accountability. However, as Exco Chair Mark Andersen sits across the table from HSA Chair Mark Andersen, oversight has become remarkably efficient, always ending in unanimous, self-congratulatory approval. Minutes taken by HSA Secretary Vincent Shaw, across from CPF Deputy Chair Vincent Shaw.
By placing village safety behind a paywall, public intelligence feeds into a monetized network. Paying subscribers receive patrols and priority WhatsApp alerts. Non-subscribers – affectionately viewed by leadership as “skinflints” – are left to rely on SAPS.
A Perfectly Closed Loop
Through this dual-hatted structure, leadership has achieved the ultimate civic masterstroke: total control over both the problem (crime reporting via the statutory CPF) and the monetized solution (HogWatch).
So while ungrateful locals foolishly ask whether HogWatch is an unregistered private watchman service or a constitutionally bound neighbourhood watch, municipal scholars can only marvel at the sheer genius of it all. Why bother with statutory oversight when you can monetize the precinct, indemnify yourself, and charge the public for the privilege of being called skinflints when they don’t pay?
In Hogsback, things like; tourism principles, business hours and standarised pricing; differ from tourism principles, business hours and standarised pricing in KZN for example. Many of us wear more that one hat, have more than one revenue streams trickles and sometimes…I guess some conflicting hats?
Full Disclosure: I wear conflicting hats too – Where else would you find the same person who teaches an exercise class that can put your back out, is the same person who runs a massage business to fix backs! Difference is I don’t charge you R400 to approve myself while calling you a skinflint if you don’t join.
With interest in the visitors information center and the Tourism Organisation, a stake in one hotel & restaurant, yet responsible for promoting all other accommodations and restaurants… even other massage businesses… Whichever hat I am wearing at any given moment, is; in whose interest i am acting.